“What we dwell on, we become." —Oprah Winfrey
The quote above from one of the most successful women in entertainment history highlights the simple idea that what we focus our attention on begets more of that thing, even if only in our own mind, and it is in our MIND where our reality is constructed.
If, for example, you tell yourself "I am weak" over and over, you will continue to feel and BE weak, even if all the evidence (E.G. your performance in the gym, your ability to perform strength-related tasks in daily life, etc.) says differently, because that self-talk is an important part of your self-image.
Likewise, if you reinforce the belief that you are "an unhealthy eater", "a couch potato" , "someone who quits", or "someone with no self control" with your self-talk, you will continue to see yourself that way.
"I'm just that kind of person" becomes at once both an excuse AND a trap, because that messaging drives and reinforces that identity, and your subconscious mind will always try and steer your actions and behaviours to be congruent with that identity.
To escape this crazy feedback loop, it is important to realize that your actions or behaviours at any one time or in any one situation DO NOT DEFINE YOU.
"I failed at that" DOES NOT EQUAL "I am and always will be a failure".
Instead of dwelling on the times you stumble and reinforcing that identity with negative self-talk, YOU CAN CHOOSE to dwell on and celebrate your small wins instead.
A perfect example of this came up in a recent coaching call, when a client said something along the lines of, "So...I caved in and bought a bag of my favourite Christmas cookies, BUT instead of devouring them all in one or two sittings like I used to, I've had just one or two each day, and I feel really good about that."
THAT...IS...HUGE!
Instead of beating themselves up about "caving in" for buying the cookies and identifying themselves as someone with no self-control (which they totally would have done in the past), they focused on how successful they were at moderating the impulse to consume the cookies, helping build the identity of someone who can make a better choice and is NOT driven by their cravings and impulses.
As you go through your day, consider the negative beliefs about yourself that you dwell on and the self-talk you engage in that reinforces them, and CHOOSE TO CHANGE.
Give yourself grace for any stumbles along your journey, and realize that they don't define WHO YOU ARE.
Instead, focus on your small wins to help build that new identity and form those more positive beliefs about yourself, and THOSE will become your reality.
—Coach JP